Here I am living my life moment by moment. Each passing second is a lifetime. Sometimes I feel myself grasping at air. I need something to hold onto but when I reach it all slips through my fingers like the air that can never be captured in the palm of your hand.
I find myself shedding tears 90% of today. On the surface nothing seems to be going right. I can't sleep (no surprise there) I am running late. "Late for what", I ask myself. Late for the self imposed time schedule of when I feel I need to be at the hospital. And when I do get there Nicole is going to the tank room early. Her meds have not kicked in and she is maxed out on what they can give her. This is going to be fun :(
I don't know why this day is so much harder than any other day. There is a nice cool breeze that is blowing in the valley today. It is overcast which I am glad for. I hope it rains. I am hoping for a giant Kansas thunderstorm. One that will drop buckets of rain everywhere. Maybe it will feel like HOME more.
I cannot wash Nicole's hair today. It is defiantly a hand holding day. She is holding my hand as much as I am holding hers. Now that she has a voice she cries out loud. That in itself is harder to handle. Before when she was crying, she was not making a sound. I could deal with that much better. You know how it feels when your child has fallen, skinned their knee and comes running into the house and what do you do...you pick them up, hug them, kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. I wish I could do that. I just want to rock her in a rocking chair until all the stress and hurt goes away.
I can't even imagine what it is like to be going through this. The pain, the pain, the pain. No wonder she sleeps so much. I would want to do that just to make the world go away.
Each time I look at Nicole today I am reminded of the love she has for those around her. She always says thank you to nurses, aide, even the cleaning lady if she is awake. I am also reminded of the long, hard road she will face as the months and years go by. I hope she can handle it. (I hope I can handle it also.)
The pain seems never ending today. There are many things that cause pain such as turning in bed, wound care, diaper changes, physical therapy all but to name but a few things. I look at her with wonderment. Would I be able to endure such long suffering as well as she. I hope so. She endures things so well.
When I had lost it today for the millionth time, Nicole looked up at me and said,"I am sorry for your tears. I wish I could wipe them away." How I wish it were that easy. How I wish I could wipe away her tears.
I pleaded with Heavenly Father to please lift this burden form me. I know one day that will happen. This is a time for the refiners fire.