The quiet (explained from an earlier comment)
You and I are fortunate to have Angi speak her inner thoughts through this blog. It is like a cathartic healing and we are witnessing another blessing embracing the challenge brought to us through Nicole.
Driving to Lehi Angi shared some thoughts and I felt prompted to start writing them down in my phone as she spoke.
I was in the very back passenger side seat that we lay down completely and convert into a bed. We can lay down completely stretched out by placing something under our feet. It is how we can do the driving we do and get the rest we need.
I asked her what do you mean "the quiet" and she began to explain and I began to write it down for her for me and those reading the blog.
"It is all the stuff in our lives that we do not talk about. Our struggles with the practice, Nicole, and other stuff. Its all the ancillary stuff around us that doesn't directly affect us that we push out and so our stuff is deafening.
Its the 20-50 phone calls a day from Nicole that if I don't answer sometimes very briefly will contribute to Nicole starting to spin her thoughts out of control and end up a serious tragedy that just a word here or there would have stopped that event from occurring and turning our lives upside down.
It is the doctor visits, the surgeons, the hospitals, the psychiatrists, the case workers and all the time and details that surrounds that.
It is Christian's reoccurring tumor. It is being away from Christian when I want to be there to hug him and help him with his challenges.
Proverbs 3:5 is what helps me hang together and is why I chosen that as a theme in my life. It is my favorite scripture, If I didn't have trust in God that he will help us even if we don't understand it I'd be lost. If I didn't trust God I'd be lost. I don't understand how I can help her but he does and someday I will. There are a lot of things we would have never have learned without her if sh had been as easy as Christian.
We have grown i patience, trust, and joy. We have grown to appreciate the little things. Had it been easy we would not have learned.
It would be nice to flip ahead in the Life Manual of Nicole's and ours to see how it all ends and works out. I love to skip to the end of a book I am reading to see how it ends and go back and read the whole book, but I want to know how it will turn out.
There is a picture of her I wish I had right now this second-She's five years old holding flowers she picked from the 'Road to the Sun' in Glacier Park and standing in the middle of the road when the road was closed and we had to wait for a large Crane to wind its way up the windy narrow road to pull the van out of the valley where it had landed some thousand of feet below the road.
Living with family not close has been both hard and easy. On one hand we have sheltered the family. They haven't seen the day to day goings on we deal with. On the other it has been difficult not to have them around.
We've lived moment to moment for so long we don't know another way. Thats why I have to plan ahead so far in advance because at any time our life can be turned upside down by something Nicole will do.
Having each other is how I can make it through everyday. When I can't hold on anymore I get strength from you to hold on and from you I know that even though its hard its OK we will get through it putting one step in front of the other taking one step at a time. When I am at the end of my rope, you say its OK and the rope gets longer."
My comment-I know she is there and she knows I am there and because of that we cling to each other and know together I can make it. But this faith and trust has come after many shattered windows to our life we have learned that step by step doing what we decide to do we will do the best we can to make it through whatever comes.
This strength was gained with a decision I made to live because the only honorable way to leave this life is to live it. This came after a couple of months of depression while in Chiropractic School following the discovery that I had bone cancer and was given only months to live. I began to live one minute at a time and appreciate I had time with my family, that turned into hours than days than weeks than months and now it has been 18 years. As the Apostle Paul wrote- I have run the race I have obtained the prize and I have kept the Faith. His further comments talk about enduring to the end no matter what comes. No other option is an honorable way to go. That was my conclusion that turned me away from the bottom of a scary place I had gotten too. This key decision has been one of my pillars of strength. It has been the wall when I am at the end of my rope when all aspects of my life are testing me beyond what I can bear. The next is having Angi as my wife. I know she has faith and when we are together we can make it.
Angi continued her comments "I don't always have peace with things and whether God answers our prayers or not he is still there. With all the running we have to do to make all that we are doing work, we just work together to do it."
M comment-Some people think we love driving with all the driving we do. Well, that doesn't explain it, what does is that is what we must do to do what we want and must do and that is the way through it.
Angi adds while continuing to explain 'the quiet'-"Few people really know us.
Many have made assumptions about our kids, rumors have been spread about us at church.
Even though Nicole was different she was an amazing kid, so is Christian. He treats girls so good and it has scared them off because they think it was a superficial show and not who he is.
His two year mission was us."
Let me explain that comment-When Christian went to turn in his papers to go on a two year proselyting mission away from home and paid for by him, the Stake President(a presiding clergy) gave us an usual response that at first was very puzzling and quite unexpected and not anything we had heard being done before, but as time passed became very evident the reason why. That is because it is usual and expected that our sons within our church take two years when they turn 19 years old and sometimes older and go on a volunteer mission for two years to a different state or country to preach the gospel and baptize converts and do so without pay. The stake president excused him from going on a mission and told him that his duty was to stay and help his family.