Day 11

I have seen every sunrise since the world as we knew it turned upside down. Mostly because I can't sleep. I do sleep for a few hours but I awaken to my mind racing about the events that are transpiring. I used to love waking in the early hours and moving over next to John and snuggling next to his warm body. That is not possible now. He is in Kansas right now treating patients and holding down the fort there. I try to go back to sleep but it eludes me.

This morning the sunrise was exceptional. It started to peek its head over the Wasatch Range. As I look out over the Utah Valley I see the Orquirrh Mountains start to wake up as the new light pours over them. Next you can see Saratoga Springs coming into the light. Utah Lake starts to glisten and twinkle as the suns rays hit the water. Slowly the Valley is awake. What an amazing sight. And to think I am privileged to witness that each morning.

I knew I have been somewhat in a fog this past week but I didn't realized how much until last night when Nicole's doctor rounded. We spoke after the surgery yesterday and he gave me an update on how things were going as well as her not being upgraded. I asked him to expand on why he wasn't upgrading her. His response was, " I told you last week I wouldn't upgrade her for 6-8 weeks." I fell apart. I am not sure where I got the 10 day mark update idea but this was too much. I now have nothing to tangibly hold onto. No...we'll see in a few day...we'll see how she is tomorrow...NO, NOTHING, NADA! He said she is to volatile and could go either way.

As much as I feel I am prepared for either I feel I am holding onto a rope that is unraveling.

Our friend Zell came by this morning with lunch for me to take to the hospital. It was so nice of he and his wife Vicki to think of me.

Good Morning Sissy! As I walk in your room this morning your eyes are open. I call your name and your eyes move but they do not focus on me. I keep saying your name over and over again and finally you look my way. Your eyes open wider with apparent recognition but then you look at me like you have never seen me before. I know it is the medication but feel blessed to have that one second of eyes wide open.

She tries to mouth words, most are not understood. "I'm cold" and "pain" are pretty easy. When she tried multiple words and I couldn't understand what it was and I kept getting it wrong she finally mouthed "shut up". I guess those words are easier to make out. The sedation is not as heavy so I am seeing eyes open more but she is staring off into space focusing on nothing (or at least nothing I can see).

Melissa, Nicole's aid, painted her toenails today. ORANGE with white flowers and blue centers. I love to see Nicole in orange. A girl always has to look her best. With no hair, painted toes are the next best thing. So girly!

When Nicole was 3 my favorite outfit on her was royal blue peddle pushers with a bright orange polo shirt. Royal blue ribbons with orange polka dots in her hair. Of course she had to have matching sandals. Love, Love , Love that outfit.

I hope I have a picture of her in that outfit. I will look on my computer when I get it next week. If I have one I will post it. I can picture her wearing that just like it was yesterday.

I requested a room change today. It won't come for a few days because someone is in that room but I hope they will give it to me. This room is very small. When I sit in my chair it is in the corner up by Nicole's head so I can not see her when I look up. My line of sight is blocked because of arm boards that keep her arms at a 90 degree angle. There is no other place for me to sit because there is so much equipment that needs to be in the room. Our current room has a window but I would give it up for more room and to be able to sit at the foot of the bed so I can see her readily. You know the feeling when you walk into your child's room and see them sleeping? I want to look up and have that feeling again.

Good night sweetness and light. Rest well.