I didn't want to leave last night. I was here until 1am. I was torn and anxious. Yesterday evening was kind of hard. It took quite a while to get her settled down. Another night of not much sleep. I got up at 6:30 and came to the hospital.
Nicole's day today has been quite the adventure. It started out with regular dressing changes followed but in bed physical therapy. She had her eyes open for some of that and did raise her own legs twice. So good.
John called to have his daily talk with her. He starts out with Nikki Nikki Timbo...Her eye brow raise with some recognition. As he speaks to her in soft gentle tones she nods her head at the things he is telling her. John is having a tough time right now. We have never been away from each other for so many days. And to top it off his baby girl is struggling to hang on and he is not here.
Nicole started running a fever today, 102.5. High for a burn patient. Her blood sugar levels are in the 300's, they give her more insulin. The nurse took her off the vent so she could do some breathing on her own. It was fine for abut 45 minutes, then her heart started racing, around 170 bpm. Her blood pressure sky rocketed and her respiration's where between 50-60 a minute. She was very combative. I can only keep it all together for so long before I have a melt down. What more could happen. She lost her central line. The doctor had to move it to her neck.
The room came to life with an army of people. Respiratory, Doctors, Nurses, Aide, Social Worker, Intern. The room is only so big.
I called Christian and he came to the hospital. He is a calming influence over me. By the time the doctor has her new central line in I am calm enough to go in the room. I gown up and christian does too along with his girlfriend, C. Christian hasn't seen Nicole since the swelling has gone down in her face. HE LOST IT. He had to leave the room. When I went to find him he said, "It is too hard to look at her now. It was easier last week when she was so swollen because it didn't look like her and I could look at her but not see her." Oh sad!
We calmed down in the hall and tried again. I go straight to her bedside. Christian inches his way in with the help of his girlfriend. Inch by inch until he is next to the bed. Nicole's eyes are open so I tell her Christian is there. She moves her eyes toward him but gets a puzzled look on her face. I ask if she recognizes him and she shakes her had no. No holding back the tears again. Struggling for composure, the words don't come. What can you say to that. I hope it is the medication and it is just playing tricks on her mind. The sweet, gentle giant leaves the room.
She mouths the words, I want to go home. When I tell her she is too sick to go home she mouths back, You told me I could go home. I feel sick to my stomach. I did tell her that. I want her out of pain. I want her to be able to rest well. I want her.